Book Notes, Summary and Review: The Defining Decade by Meg Jay

Dr. Meg Jay's The Defining Decade is a must-read for all twentysomethings.

It focuses on why your twenties are so important and how you can make the most out of these critical years.

As a clinical psychologist, Dr. Meg taps into her vast clinical experience and research to underscore the importance of your twenties and to dispel myths about this critical time in your life.

Why Your Twenties Matter?

Your twenties matter because so many important events heavily concentrate during your twenties.

• Two-thirds of lifetime wage growth happens in the first ten years of a career.
• Your personality changes the most during your twenties than any other time in your life.
• Fertility peaks in your late twenties.
• Your social networks are the most expansive and diverse in your twenties; as you age, they tend to narrow.

Structure of Review

The Defining Decade is organized under three distinct sections, namely:

1. Work
2. Love
3. The Brain and the Body

Each section of the books covers a specific aspect of your life, whether it be financially, socially or biologically. In each section, Dr. Meg addresses the common issues young people face and offers a comprehensive set of ideas that may help resolve them.

1. Work

Identity capital

So many twentysomethings choose to work in jobs they're overqualified for, because it's a way for them to pretend they aren't working.

But the perils of underemployment are real, particularly when you're in your twenties. Research on underemployed twentysomethings has shown that those who are underemployed for as little as nine months tend to be more depressed than their peers — including those who are unemployed.

Some forms of underemployment just aren't a means to end. Especially those that don't give you any identity capital to work with.

Identity capital is your collection of personal assets and resources. Some identity capital goes on your résumé, like your degree and previous job experiences. Others are more personal, such as where you come from and how you solve problems.

It takes time to accumulate identity capital, bit by bit. Your twenties is the perfect time to acquire more identity capital. Having more identity capital enables you to metaphorically purchase the jobs and relationships you want.

Consider taking part in activities in your twenties that can grant you more identity capital to work with in the future. It's perfectly fine to be underemployed in some situations, such as participating in internship or other mentorship programs, as long as they value-add in the long-run.

The Strength of Weak Ties

"Urban tribes" is a term coined by French sociologist Michel Maffesoli in 1985. They refer to groups of people who come together, because they share similar interests and tendencies.

Urban tribes, however, are overrated.

Another sociologist Rose Coser explains how our close friends, or people from our urban tribe, hold us back. Our strong ties feel comfortable and familiar, but they've little to offer, other than support and sympathy.

On the contrary, weak ties feel more foreign and unsettling. But that's the point. That's what gives us access to fresh perspectives and opportunities. As compared to strong ties, weak ties galvanize more serendipitous encounters to happen in our lives.

Embrace the strength of weak ties.

Unthought knowns

Life looks scary to many twentysomethings. Because sometimes, we feel like a piece of driftwood floating out on the vast ocean, with no island in sight to move towards.

But this ocean metaphor is flawed, because we all start from somewhere.

Under our belt, we've more than twenty years of unique experiences. Success, failure and anything in between — we've tasted them all. We've the answers, we just need to look inwards and think through our actual opinions.

Psychoanalyst Christopher Bollas names these truths that we forget, or allegedly forget, as unthought knowns. They are things we know about ourselves but forget somehow, whether it be out of fear or actual forgetfulness.

We feel helpless when we fail to process and uncover our unthought knowns. Our lack of direction in life can be explained as the product of our laziness and/or fear to acknowledge our unthought knowns.

You can have a direction in life, if you really want to.

2. Love

Picking Your Family

Being young and single may be glorified in the press.

Contrary to the media's depiction of singleness, however, stable relations help young people to feel more secure, safe and responsible.

Many twentysomethings seem hesitant to settle down, because they're afraid of commitment. They fear responsibility. They reject being tied down by the duties that come with starting a family.

But meaning and responsibility are two sides of the same coin. When we partner with someone, we've a second chance at family. We can build a family that works for us. Our new family becomes a fountain of meaning in our life.

Assuming responsibility is the first step to enriching our lives with meaning.

3. The Brain and the Body

Forward Thinking

Forward-thinking is a skill that comes with age, experience and time.

Our frontal lobe is responsible for our ability to plan ahead. But it doesn't fully mature until sometime between the ages of twenty and thirty.

Developing better foresight takes time, so we need to caution ourselves from taking part in detrimental activities that may bring short-term rewards, but long-term harm. Excessive sugar, alcohol and a sedentary lifestyle, for example, should be things we look out for and avoid.

Remember, we still have to account for the years between our twenties until the time we die.

Calm Yourself

MRI scans have shown that twentysomething brains react more intensely to negative information than the brains of older adults. More activity can be observed in the amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fearful stimuli.

Recognizing this idea may help you to better regulate your emotions, because negativity bias may be interpreted as a biological phenomenon. It takes time to climb out of negativity bias and to become more interested in positive information.

So calm down when you feel overwhelmed, it may just be your brain overreacting to negativity. Seize control of your thoughts and your response.

Don't allow fear to tyrannize your life.

Work Backwards

Present bias is a core problem in human behavior. The idea of delayed gratification doesn't ring a bell in our minds when we're in our twenties.

This is because humans tend to favor the rewards of today over the greater rewards of tomorrow. To add fuel to the fire, our twentysomething frontal lobe is still developing, which means our forward thinking skills have yet to fully mature.

To combat this problem, we need to do the math and work backwards. Keeping the end in mind, we outline the things we want to do and see how everything assembles together. Else we risk living through our thirties and forties with much regret and sorrow.

Wrapping Up

As a twentysomething, this book has given me much to reflect upon.

Some of the issues addressed by Dr. Meg are problems that I'm currently facing.

Take for instance: the problem of underemployment.

As I'll be completing my conscription in one month's time, I'm now planning how to spend my six months break, prior to University. Reading the subchapter on "Identity Capital" has shed new light on things I should keep in mind when deciding my next course of action.

Throughout these pages, Dr. Meg has also introduced matters that warrant my attention, such as my relationships and life trajectory. These are issues that I've given little thought, for I saw them as something that will just happen naturally.

But they don't.

Plans need to be made ahead of time. I've to consider what I want out of my life, work backwards, establish goals and in the process, create a reasonable timeline for my life.

Dr. Meg's The Defining Decade was an excellent read, especially for someone like myself who has just started navigating their early twenties. This is a book that I'll definitely be recommending to my peers in my age-group.

If you're in your twenties, you need to read this book. It's that good, I promise.